Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Day 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, it has been a WEEK since my last blog update! School is hard and midterms are next week so unfortunately the blog has been a little low on the priority list.

But I made it! YAY!

In 30 days I went from 159lbs and almost too big for a size 10 to 148 lbs and a comfortable size 8. My energy is through the roof compared to 30 days ago, I have confidence in my body, and eating healthy and being active is just a part of who I am now. It doesn't feel like I'm "dieting"- it feels like I'm making good decisions for my body.

The important thing is that this journey isn't over. 30 days ago, I figured I would probably quit after day 30. I'd probably go back to my old habits and gain it all back because I didn't honestly believe I could be active and healthy. I thought that I was destined for a life of being sedentary and miserable. Now that I'm here though, I'm ready to keep moving forward!

So, here is my new and improved 30 day challenge:
1) Continue doing 30ds 5 days a week (every day just isn't a possibility anymore with school)
2) Continue drinking lots of water
3) Continue eating healthy with smaller portions

But here are my new challenges:
1) Now that I'm comfortable with my body, I need to dig deeper and become comfortable with who I am** (see note below)
2) Research vegetarianism, and possibly ease my way into the lifestyle
2a) find vegetarian recipes that DH will also enjoy, as well as recipes where meat can be added later.

Note on new task 1: Okay. I don't even really know where to start on this... Basically I've always been a geeky, naturally introverted person who tends to live in their own universe. Growing up, my well-meaning mom always pushed me to be more extroverted, to want to be the center of attention, to dress a certain way and act a certain way to be attractive to guys. She told me that in essence I'm "too smart" and that I need to dumb myself down so people won't think I'm weird and that I should pretend to be interested in things I don't really care about if I want friends.

Let me reiterate here that she really meant well... I think she knew my nature better than anybody and she worried that I would miss out on all of the "fun" parts about being a teenager. She told me basically "fake it 'til you feel it".

But what ended up happening was that I didn't know where that faux part of me ended and the genuine part of me began. I had this life on the outside where I felt like I always had to be the person with the witty comebacks, I felt this huge pressure to be the prettiest and the funniest and maybe not the most popular... But definitely the one that guys fought over. The big thing is, I hated it. I hated feeling that way, and I was really bad at it. Then on the inside, I just wanted to crawl further in my shell and hide from the world and that part of me hated what was going on around me.

I didn't actually realize this until I moved out of my house in 2006. My mom and I just weren't getting along anymore, and I was so angry with her and I couldn't figure out why. So, despite my spiritual and moral convictions I crashed on the couch of my then-boyfriend (now DH) just to get away from all of it. What I found was the longer I was out of that situation, the more those external layers started falling off. Of course, it took a few years, but gradually I started feeling better about going out in public and for the first time in my life I didn't feel performance anxiety when I went out.

But now... I don't know. I feel so much better now that I'm true to myself about who I am, what I like, and what I want... But I have this huge sense of fear that nobody will like me or love me for who I am now that I'm honest with myself that yes, I'm an epic dork. Yes, I read too much and live in my own head more than I ever should, which translates to being just a little bit awkward and clumsy in public... also, I know that it's not sexy when I'm awkward and clumsy in public- and that's okay. I think my husband is the only person who loves me for who I am genuinely, and I feel so isolated and alone because I realize that I've sort of marketed myself as someone different than who I really am throughout my whole life.

Is it wrong to want people to love me warts and all, and not be repelled by all of my quirks? :'(

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